It has been a while. And I could tell you about my 2 stone weight loss, or my overall increase of my fitness level… but this is not it.
I have been angry and irritated for a long time and I couldn’t explain why. I was angry with everyone, I was annoyed by everyone, I was furious with myself. But I didn’t know why.
This is really hard to explain, and scary and weird. I always wanted to belong but I never felt like I do. I felt like the black and blue spotted sheep with shitty wool in my family. I didn’t feel like I belong in Germany. I had friends I never felt close to. I longed to be loved and I didn’t understand why no one loves me, for me. I long to be understood.
Tuesday a week ago my church was at my house for our bible study, I love when they are all here. It makes me feel like I do have accomplished something without having much. I cannot even remember what we talked about but one of the other church members said something that actually scared me. No it terrified me! I was lucky my pastor deflected it very very quickly, but it stuck with me. Wednesday after my period started so the plan to use beginning of July a sperm donor that I had lined up went down the drain, but my pastor texted me saying how lovely it is to be at my house for housegroup and he would like to talk with me about becoming a member of the church the first July weekend…
Suddenly I was scared again, I knew I wanted to be a part of the church but I didn’t know if they would accept me. Don’t forget I am the black and blue spotted sheep that doesn’t fit in anywhere. So how would I fit into that church? I asked myself that, and texted my pastor back that I would like to but I have some questions beforehand. He was really good to me Sunday. My first concern was easy, I am just having enough to pay all my bills and eat but to pay a tenth of my income as tithe would have meant I don’t have enough to eat. He said as long as I give wholehearted he doesn’t mind, he knows f I could give more I would.
He felt that there was more and a part of me did not want to say anything just something like “Okay then thanks I become a member.” However luckily I had the Lord on my side. He gave me strength to say something out loud that I never even admitted to myself. I expected him to get out the pitch fork and chase me down the road, but he smiled and said something that gave me great comfort.
I am sorry I am talking around the pudding. I am still gaining the courage to say what I admitted.
So I’ve been staring at this line for nearly an hour wondering how to continue. What to say. How not to dig a really deep hole and disappear in it forever.
“It is like homosexuals isn’t it? In the Bible it states it is a sin and if you sin you do not enter the kingdom of God so they are taking the easy path and chose not to follow God for something so absurd as an unholy relationship!” He said and he meant it, I know he is a young Christian and I don’t know what is right what God will really do… but last Sunday I said for the very first time out loud that…
Maybe because if the abuse as a child or just because I always would. I not just like guys… but I like girls too.
I expected the earth to open and swallow me whole, but my pastor just smiled and said that one of the most influential Christians in his life is homosexual. That was when I started crying. I didn’t expect that. He ensured me that if I ever come with a girlfriend to church he will write a sermon about loving everyone, casting the first stone if you are without sin and tolerance. And I realised how stupid I actually am for thinking that no one will see me the way they used to. Well okay I just told one person but one that was very important to me. I didn’t want to lose my church family. When I walked home I felt so much better but I realised that I have not just been lying to myself but to all my friends and family. And then the terror was back, what if maybe my pastor accepts me but no one else. I have been awful lately, moody and snappy what if I pushed my friends so far away from me that this would just be the final straw.
I send my best friend a very long Whatsapp message, actually again starring for ages at it decided if I should send it or not. Reading it now I am surprised she understood what I was trying to say. But then she has 9 years of practice to understand me so well.
“… this is slightly hard to admit to you even though I know how you react but saying it out loud (or you know permanently written in the interwebs) my pastor and his wife and the church as Baptist church do not care if I have a boyfriend or girlfriend and I was for about 3 weeks signed up with a free account on a dating side that gave me that option and more girls than guys contacted me and then I freaked out and deleted my account.”
“Haha, well, you know that I absolutely don’t mind if you’d be interested in women and I’d also try not to be like Poppy or Debbie from Queer either. ”
I knew she would answer this but there was still this tiny bit of doubt that she wouldn’t. She is very supportive. I see her Saturday I am nervous about it but I am not attracted to her! She is my best friend not the girl I love. Not in that way. She is my sister by choice, even when she doesn’t see it that way. I know I always treasure my friends more then they do me.
It is weird I have moments when I think it was right to say to whom I am attracted and then I freak out like when all those girls on the dating app contacted me or when I listen to a song driving home and realise I have been alone because I never dared to admit to myself that I not just like a girl but that I do all those silly things because I like, like a girl.
I just wish I knew someone else that is like me, someone I can talk to and when I tear up understands that it is weird to be different knowing that nothing is wrong with me. That I told a secret to the first person that needs to know… myself. Someone I can talk silly about what I like about girls and what I like about guys. Someone that went through the same and knows the way out.
I am 32 and realise I like guys and girls. I finally can look at them and don’t feel bad or dirty when I wonder what it would feel like to kiss them. What it would feel like to hug them or just talk to them through the night.
I want to find someone that loves me for everything I am.