Life journey

Who We Are On The Inside

It has been a while. And I could tell you about my 2 stone weight loss, or my overall increase of my fitness level… but this is not it.
I have been angry and irritated for a long time and I couldn’t explain why. I was angry with everyone, I was annoyed by everyone, I was furious with myself. But I didn’t know why.
This is really hard to explain, and scary and weird. I always wanted to belong but I never felt like I do. I felt like the black and blue spotted sheep with shitty wool in my family. I didn’t feel like I belong in Germany. I had friends I never felt close to. I longed to be loved and I didn’t understand why no one loves me, for me. I long to be understood.

Tuesday a week ago my church was at my house for our bible study, I love when they are all here. It makes me feel like I do have accomplished something without having much. I cannot even remember what we talked about but one of the other church members said something that actually scared me. No it terrified me! I was lucky my pastor deflected it very very quickly, but it stuck with me. Wednesday after my period started so the plan to use beginning of July a sperm donor that I had lined up went down the drain, but my pastor texted me saying how lovely it is to be at my house for housegroup and he would like to talk with me about becoming a member of the church the first July weekend…

Suddenly I was scared again, I knew I wanted to be a part of the church but I didn’t know if they would accept me. Don’t forget I am the black and blue spotted sheep that doesn’t fit in anywhere. So how would I fit into that church? I asked myself that, and texted my pastor back that I would like to but I have some questions beforehand. He was really good to me Sunday. My first concern was easy, I am just having enough to pay all my bills and eat but to pay a tenth of my income as tithe would have meant I don’t have enough to eat. He said as long as I give wholehearted he doesn’t mind, he knows f I could give more I would.
He felt that there was more and a part of me did not want to say anything just something like “Okay then thanks I become a member.” However luckily I had the Lord on my side. He gave me strength to say something out loud that I never even admitted to myself. I expected him to get out the pitch fork and chase me down the road, but he smiled and said something that gave me great comfort.

I am sorry I am talking around the pudding. I am still gaining the courage to say what I admitted.
So I’ve been staring at this line for nearly an hour wondering how to continue. What to say. How not to dig a really deep hole and disappear in it forever.

“It is like homosexuals isn’t it? In the Bible it states it is a sin and if you sin you do not enter the kingdom of God so they are taking the easy path and chose not to follow God for something so absurd as an unholy relationship!” He said and he meant it, I know he is a young Christian and I don’t know what is right what God will really do… but last Sunday I said for the very first time out loud that…

Maybe because if the abuse as a child or just because I always would. I not just like guys… but I like girls too.

I expected the earth to open and swallow me whole, but my pastor just smiled and said that one of the most influential Christians in his life is homosexual. That was when I started crying. I didn’t expect that. He ensured me that if I ever come with a girlfriend to church he will write a sermon about loving everyone, casting the first stone if you are without sin and tolerance. And I realised how stupid I actually am for thinking that no one will see me the way they used to. Well okay I just told one person but one that was very important to me. I didn’t want to lose my church family. When I walked home I felt so much better but I realised that I have not just been lying to myself but to all my friends and family. And then the terror was back, what if maybe my pastor accepts me but no one else. I have been awful lately, moody and snappy what if I pushed my friends so far away from me that this would just be the final straw.

I send my best friend a very long Whatsapp message, actually again starring for ages at it decided if I should send it or not. Reading it now I am surprised she understood what I was trying to say. But then she has 9 years of practice to understand me so well.
“… this is slightly hard to admit to you even though I know how you react but saying it out loud (or you know permanently written in the interwebs) my pastor and his wife and the church as Baptist church do not care if I have a boyfriend or girlfriend and I was for about 3 weeks signed up with a free account on a dating side that gave me that option and more girls than guys contacted me and then I freaked out and deleted my account.”
“Haha, well, you know that I absolutely don’t mind if you’d be interested in women and I’d also try not to be like Poppy or Debbie from Queer either. ”
I knew she would answer this but there was still this tiny bit of doubt that she wouldn’t. She is very supportive. I see her Saturday I am nervous about it but I am not attracted to her! She is my best friend not the girl I love. Not in that way. She is my sister by choice, even when she doesn’t see it that way. I know I always treasure my friends more then they do me.

It is weird I have moments when I think it was right to say to whom I am attracted and then I freak out like when all those girls on the dating app contacted me or when I listen to a song driving home and realise I have been alone because I never dared to admit to myself that I not just like a girl but that I do all those silly things because I like, like a girl.

I just wish I knew someone else that is like me, someone I can talk to and when I tear up understands that it is weird to be different knowing that nothing is wrong with me. That I told a secret to the first person that needs to know… myself. Someone I can talk silly about what I like about girls and what I like about guys. Someone that went through the same and knows the way out.

I am 32 and realise I like guys and girls. I finally can look at them and don’t feel bad or dirty when I wonder what it would feel like to kiss them. What it would feel like to hug them or just talk to them through the night.
I want to find someone that loves me for everything I am.

Life journey

The Unhealthy Me

My weight loss journey.

I think I need to start with an apology. I haven’t been very active lately. Sure lots has happened I could have written but something kept me from it. I felt as if I didn’t want to share my journey because if I say out loud what I thought I would have to admit that it is real. I am still not ready to do that with most things. But I will one by one start to share. Let me start with something that is at the moment dominating my live.

I know it for some time now. I am on a very slippery road. I love to eat and I love to be inactive and I am very good in lying to myself that the food I eat is healthy and the things I do are activity that are worth anything, like isn’t is classed as exercise to walk from the living room about 20 steps to the bathroom go to the loo and back? I keep telling myself that there is a good reason to weigh over 90kg (14st 2lbs 6oz, 198lbs 6.6oz) and still every time standing on the scale makes me feel physical sick. Christmas I reached over 96kg (over 15st, over 211lbs) and I knew that was enough but I did not do anything. I did start running beginning of the year and that shed some pounds though I was not trying to really lose weight. It didn’t hit me until I was at the doctor’s and he weights and measured me and told me my BMI I know you have to look at the BMI carefully but it was over 33, I am classed as obese! That day when I came home I had a good look at myself in the mirror and on pictures and I realised that the perception I have of myself is distorted. I seem to see myself as a lot slimmer than I am. Generally not a bad thing I guess but it got to the point that I am like an antonym of some that is anorexic. I see myself as someone that is a fraction of me, I think of my self as very skinny and then I see pictures of me and are confused how I can look so round on the picture.

So here I am now since the beginning of March working very hard to lose weight. I tried to use the Fitbit App to record what I eat but it never found the food items I ate, so I went back onto myFitnessPal. It was easier to just eat food and not weigh everything, make sure I add everything and think about what I really eat. Everything I want to eat I have to think about how much, is this a healthy choice, will it be just a tiny amount with huge calories, do I need this, should I eat this, is there a healthier option, can I replace it with something as tasty but healthier?
My portions are to large, I use things like sauces too much and a lot of food I eat is actually not that healthy. I love batter stuff… very high in calories, I like wraps but I learned that they are actually rather high in calories to especially if you think about that people think eating a wrap is better than say a sandwich. And my big problem was sugar I add, coffees, teas, dessert and breakfasts. I think I am getting there. Learning what I put into my body helps me a lot. I try to exercise a lot more, I am running I use the Couch to 5K App and it helps me a lot. I also have a Yoga App that actually explain how the poses are supposed to look and I really like the Fitbit Coach. What I like about the exercise apps is that I can do them in the comfort of my own home because even though it is not the case but I feel like the only people going to any exercise class are skinny, sexy people.

Photo by bruce mars on

I am a fat, big boobs hippo in a china shop. I have no coordination and often do not know what my right side or left side do. I am definitely not looking like those girls up there, I wish I do. So no public classes for me. I love my running, in the 9 weeks program I finished 3 weeks, though I might do the last run from week 3 again because I was ill the last week so I wasn’t training at all. I love running by now, sure it is hard and exhausting but I run along the beach with Dakota, most of the time people let me run in peace. Eventually I will look to run at different places and start running in the mountains but for now I like the flat and even run of ground that does not damage my hip again. I am a little bit scared to run at other places because last year I had hip tendinitis from running on asphalt. No pain at all in my hip and I see improvement.

So my weight-loss. Today I stepped on the scale and saw that I finally was under 90kg just about but I was. I am on the right track, my goal of 75kg (11st 12lbs, 165lbs 6oz) is in sight at the horizon. I feel so good and if everything works out next time I am at the doctors I will at least qualify with my weight to try IUI through the NHS. But it is not just the wish of a baby that drives me. I want to be healthy and feel good in my body and at the moment I do not. I have to work on me to, I have to love me to be able to be a good mother

Today in the UK is Mother’s Day (I am lucky my Mama lives in Germany so I still have over a months until I do the whole spoiling thing and I can get bargains tomorrow πŸ˜‰ ) and I dream of being the best and most supportive Mama there is.

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Life journey

Nothing but I gain so much

I do it a few times a year, but mostly for health benefits this time I fasten and pray. Two weeks ago I went to church and there was a couple visiting, the wife had spoken when she smiled at me from the pulpit. I didn’t think much of it until after. She asked if she could pray for me. I am not going to bore you with too many details but God spoke to her pointing me out. Telling her that I had a hard life when dark moments but He also told her that those times are over now. He told her that she is the one to tell me that He lifted me up the mountain into His light. It felt so weird but so wonderful. Her words felt like the truth. It was then that I decided this half term (autumn school holidays) is the time to be with God. So here I am this time I don’t fasten to lose weight or to detox, no I fasten to pray my thanks to God.

Yesterday I had my relief day yesterday. I had to eat all my salad vegetables. It was a colourful and rather nice salad. Oddly enough I had a craving for sweet things, chocolate and ice cream though I always crave ice cream. I love ice cream too much. I think a perfect gift for me would be a proper ice cream machine. One day I will have one. But I felt as if I could eat my whole cupboard. I prayed in the morning for a while and started reading Revelations. I know it has just been a day but I feel closer and calmer every moment I fasten. The thing I will miss the most during my time of fasting is coffee!

six white ceramic mugs
Photo by on

So the first day of fasting I woke up in the early morning hours just after six. When I fasten I often start with a headache, this one was rather brutal. Normal when I wake up with a headache coffee helps, but today I had no coffee. Just a detox tea… that is really not the same. I wasn’t hungry as such until the afternoon. I think about food all day long wonder what I could eat. I think that is my downfall. I love food and if I could I would never stop eating. I pray for strength but I struggle to see that He is giving me strength, my head hurts and my tummy grumbles and on top of that I feel as if I am getting a cold. Day one is done 6 more to go and then next Sunday I will have my reintroduction day. Reintroducing food. So I will have soup and salad and most importantly, I will have a coffee. I always hate the first day, it is the day I feel the weakest and most vulnerable. I feel in a way ill as if I cannot move on.

  • persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

Following God, believing in something no one can see is not an easy thing. Sometimes it is so scary and difficult to say out loud “I am a Christian and I believe in God!” but I do. I believe that God will provide, he is providing for the birds in the sky and he will provide for me. Some of you might not be able to understand how fasting, so not eating, shows me how much God loves me and how he cares. He is my provider.

I am looking forward to a new curry I will make in a week and the chilli and fajita! Oh and the bread I will make and a cake. I just should not eat all of this at once.

Another reason for my fasting is a health reason hoping it will get rid of toxins that make my skin break out and maybe it will help with the PCS from which I am suffering. I am nervous I will tomorrow call the GP and discuss what treatment option I have. In the last year I feel the symptoms is getting worse. It feels as if slowly it is taking over my life. Something has to be done.

On a different note, half a term is over. Dakota adapted very well to being in the crate when I am at work. In the beginning there were a few accidents but she now figured out that she has to pee when I let out a second time in the morning after our walk. She is so good. I am very blessed with a dog so loyal and good. But it is not just her, Yvaine settled in so well in the house and the routine. I like how attached Dakota is, she is my partner in crime. I just wish the world around me would allow me to take her more with me. I am going to try or rather ask if I would be allowed to take her to church with me. It is mainly wooden floor and I am sure she would be good and just lie down. Afterall she does enjoy on our holidays and walks to look into churches. I bet she is a very rare dog that is a Christian.

6 days I have to remind myself that it is not healthy to eat whenever I go in the kitchen and then I will set meals and work out weekly meal plans, that will help my financial situation. Lots of changes ahead of me and dreams of food πŸ˜›

Life journey

The Chaos Of Life

It’s been a while since I wrote to you. Well I had a busy summer and in a way needed some time to adjust.

So let’s begin at the start of my summer. In the last week of July I moved house. It was a hard week. I lost track of the times I drove to the new house with a loaded car. All while I was dog sitting little Kurt. I was lucky that everything did fit in my giant as fuck van, the biggest that I could drive myself. It was exhausting but by the last Thursday in July I had all my stuff in the new house and left the old house as I thought behind. The days towards the move I cleaned and scrubbed the old house like a crazy person, when I wasn’t loading my car or unloading it in the new house I was scrubbing. Well… I thought it is nice and clean, some parts I purposely did not clean because I did not want to hide the intense mould in the attachment. In the end it was not clean enough in the landlord’s eyes. They complained about not dusted behind and in between radiators, under the fridge and even the huge piles of garden waste that I would have paid a lot of money to get it taken away and also some other places that weren’t clean we moved in. It was ridiculous and we could have fought getting more of the deposit back but in the end I just wanted to have a clean cut and not having to deal with them any more.
The weeks towards the moving out date there were a few viewing but what surprised me the most was to find out how much the landlord put up the rent of the house, I am still not sure if it was worth that much more money. I did see that it has been taken off the market, I am curious to find out if it is rented out again. I might have a drive by next time I am in town.

Once I moved all my crap into the new house I tackled the unpacking straight away. My new mattress nearly killed my friend Sarah, I think it was the exhaustion that even made us even laugh when it happened. It went quite smoothly, though I did forget the new house key when we drove the van up(down? I’d say up). It took me three times to get my new (old) Narnia wardrobe upstairs. Twice I failed and then I was so annoyed that I took the whole think apart any nail and screw was taken out so that in the end I managed to get it upstairs and in my dressing room, it is a bit crooked put back together but would you be if you were holding an entire different world inside?
It took my just a few days to have the house that looked like a messy shed to be a home.

But my summer did not stop there. Just a little over a week after moving in Mama came to visit, it wasn’t so much of a vacation visit. We did do a few fun things but many we did stuff in the house and the garden. The garden was rough it took a day to get it all sorted and nice looking. Now it looks like this really pretty oasis, but it got very quickly too uncomfortable as in wet and cold to be sitting outside. We joked we should have left it to the last days of her stay to keep the sun and warmth of summer. We did put up wall stickers, moved furniture and got decorations. We had lovely talks some more serious, some more funny but I am glad to know that Mama is coming back for Christmas and this time with Dirk again but also and so much more importantly with Oma! My grandma, my Oma that I miss dearly and at points felt as if she gave up on me. I wish I had a downstairs guestroom but I will make sure that she has a lovely time here even though we have to get put the bed every night. I will keep you updated on my plans I have for their stay.

So summer came and went, it seemed so quickly. Mama left in the last week of my summer holidays and I got ready for school. It felt a little bit weird, our team had gotten smaller and was -not that any of us knew that in the first week of September- going to have to go through difficult times. Back when I was in school, I hated PE with all my heart! I saw it as weekly torture, now one third of my timetable is PE and you know what? I love it. I love supporting some youngsters that want to do PE but for different reasons need a differentiated curriculum. One pupil works really hard in the gym with me but sending him out with the rest of his class he struggles, recently he rowed 2km in 12 and a half minutes. I ran against him on the treadmill and was not able to beat him, he cheered me on for 6 minutes afterwards. Two other pupils have physical disadvantages one more severe than the other but they are both working very hard to beat their own best. The fourth pupil is a bit like a confused professor and needs someone to keep him on track of his task. I enjoy all my PE lessons, last week I’ve been told I would make a great PE teacher… I might be good with the physical education but I suck in rules and practices of games. Well for the moment I don’t know what the future brings, maybe one day I will be a teacher and maybe I will teach PE and German, that doesn’t sound so awful as I would have expected -at least the PE part-.

School is nothing excited but I love my job, sure the getting up part is hard and having to walk Dakota twice a day by myself is not easy. Constantly having to consider if she is alone too much but we adapted. I walk her so much during the week that at weekends she is still pretty tired.

Dakota changed a little bit she still shares toys and chews with Kurt when he is visiting but she has trouble sharing me with him. But that is understandable, she does not have to share me any more, it is different with Yvaine. Yvaine is not so much of a snuggler.
Yvaine has changed too, she is now wearing a calming collar and I got to say she seems less angry with the world. For the time being she will continue wearing one, and once my guest arrive I will even top it up with calming drop-ons. She is also being trained to use the human toilet instead of a litter tray, Dakota likes eating the litter and I just see a huge mess. So far it is going very well. We are in the second stage I guess, the first stages were to get her used to a smaller littler tray and then a trainings toilet seat litter tray. She will for another 5 days use the one that is closed and then we start the third stage, still the trainings toilet seat litter tray but it will have a small hole in the middle. It will take time but fingers crossed so far she is adjusting very well. It will be nice to be done with littler trays, the toilet will be clean and easy maintainable. And the best part Dakota cannot eat dirty litter any more. Something that is really disgusting.

Since I moved I went to a new church, they are all very nice and friendly I will try it a few times and also try some others before I settle. It is nice to meet people here.
On the note of meeting people I would love to talk about my neighbours but a part of me worries that somehow they find out. They fight, as in physical fight and one night the police came and recently they broke their own living room window. It is a little bit scary. The kids of the street like me and Dakota, they are amused by Yvaine, they don’t seem to understand why I do not let her out. I have to make sure they don’t start knocking at the window when she is sitting there.

I don’t think this topic is a topic for a short paragraph but it is a start. So I am yearning to be a mother, and I tried the adoption foster road and I ran the council here again but even though they liked me on the phone as soon they asked me about family and support system they told me I need to make more friends. I decided I will go down the route of co-parenting, I am searching for a man that is willing to co-parent. It is the route of sperm donor and separated parents it is a scary route and a long road ahead of me, especially with my polycystic ovary syndrome. It makes conceiving a little bit hard. The process of finding someone that is a person I want to have in my life forever is not easy. I am basically looking to find a best friend that I want to have a child with. If everything works out I will be a mother in the next few years hopefully before I turn 35. It is scary but exciting.

And lastly, thank you for everyone that supported me and Dakota during our mud run. We raced Β£125 and got muddy to the underwear. It was so much fun.

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I will try to write more regularly, for whoever reads those I know it is many for me but hey I enjoy writing and if anyone out there enjoys reading it that is fine by me. It helps me to let out my inner writer no matter how boring it may seem. I live alone and this way I feel like I am talking to a lot of people, to friends.

Life journey

On the move

“When given the choice between being right and being kind choose kind.” – Dr Wayne W. Dyer

Sometimes we are so set on being right that we forgot who we are. I recently read Wonder with the year 7s (11-12year olds) and this precept got stuck. I think for a while I rather wanted to be right and stopped being kind in so many situations. I want to change that, it’s my goal for the summer.

Well much has changed since the beginning of June. God will provide, I always believed that, sure I was scared and I am not denying that but he will provide! And so he did. I found a few houses and flat to view, was meant to go on a viewing of a flat first Saturday of July, Debbie told me she had a really bad feeling about it she even had a nightmare about that flat and I didn’t have a good feeling either. It is hard to explain but the more I looked at the pictures, the more I really didn’t want to live there. I went for the viewing anyway and it went all wrong. It was another hot day, the drive was fun my friend Sarah went with me. Well after knocking at the wrong door and calling the agent I found out that the flat went off the market, I am still waiting for the email telling me the viewing is cancelled. Well I went back and felt defeated but mainly scared. Well God knew that and he embraced me tightly, no actually it was this moment when I wasn’t able to walk any more and he carried me.

On the Monday after I called another agent regarding a house. I viewed it Tuesday in my lunch break and the moment I walked it I knew this was the house the Lord gave to me. It is not perfect and it is not my dream house with a lot of land in the country side but it will be a lovely home. This viewing was nineteen days ago. Since then I got approved for a loan, found some lovely furniture to add to mine and got some amazing discounts on things like a quality mattress and sofa covers and some other things. It is all falling into place. But not just that my current landlords agreed to let us out of the house early. Debbie moved out today and I will sign my new contract on Monday, that is in two days. I am so excited.

The Lord did provide and man he provided. I was worried I wouldn’t be able to pack the house in time but actually, I did loads and today I finished the living room and I did 85% of the kitchen. The guest room is packed since a week. I will finish tomorrow most of it and then when I sign the contract on Monday I will see what fits in my car, I think some kitchen stuff just to get some glasses and one of my coffee machines over. Always good to have that in the house. I will drive once a day to the new house until Wednesday night when I get the van so proper moving day is Thursday and man I am looking forward to it. Sure moving as is carrying shit out of one house, into a van and then in a new house and it is exhausting but it is also fun. I love turning an empty house into a home. I do worry about Yvaine; she hates the car and she hates moving so I stocked up on Valerian for her. I love her wild and I love that she is not a cuddly cat but now that she is wearing a valerian collar she is, well lets say it like this she would be best friends with Shaggy and Scooby high and happy and for once a bit cuddly. It is nice to see her less stressed but I will not have to drug my cat every day just for the move.

I will miss sharing my house with Debbie it was nice having someone here with me. Even if it was just so I’d have someone to talk to that answers back. Dakota is a great listener not so much in answering or talking back, sure Google assistant is always fun to chat to but then she is a bit of an odd one. However I will enjoy my own space, not having to consider anyone, wondering if they like something. I can spread out and you know dance naked in my living room. I will make new friends, I already looked up churches I am going to try. Maybe I find one that allows me to take Dakota along.

Next task to tackle is a second job, I think for the time being I will go back to be a nurse assistant once or twice a month. Well after the move and a well deserves rest during the summer holidays and some fun adventures with my Mama.

I have loads of adventures planned for this summer. Pictures of my new house will follow.



Do you want to see me muddy running a 5k course with Dakota, then please sponsor us. Every penny counts. Please sponsor me.





Life journey

The aftermath of a date

Well that was… something. I enjoyed the date we had fun at the museum, we joked about the painting we could easily make too and the ones that we found really impressive. We had a good lunch and he paid. Sounds like a great date doesn’t it? Well it was until we finished lunch and I asked what he would like to see now. He said he doesn’t know, we chatted a bit more and then suddenly he stirred me to the train station. Well my next train would have gone in 11 minutes. We said by and then he was gone. I was in some kind of shock, it just finished so suddenly. In the end I decided screw that I just paid a train ticket and I am in Cardiff I might as well go back remember my beloved time in Canada. I got a doughnut and a frappucino. In the end I even found a lovely new pair of shoes.

I was still a bit stunned and confused on the train but I thought about it and you know what I realised something “I do not need a partner to be fulfilled.” I am not saying I am stopping to look for a partner but I am happy and content with myself. I will not hide and stop to talk to others but I don’t feel like I need one to be complete.

When I was really little I would walk over this field and through this little woodland to a ruin of an old tower and then along a path to a convent. I often stopped to chat to the nuns when I walked my dog Jack there. One warm day (there are a few years of my live that blurred into one long set of seasons) we went to the convent I was already in school -I must have been I got my dog when I was in Grade (year/Klasse) 1 the school systems are so different everywhere I was 7 when I got my dog and it was in the second half of my first year of school, dang this is a mouthful- I just chatted to the nuns when all of a sudden thunder and lighting kept me from walking home. They took me and my dog Jack inside and gave me warm milk. It was nice. I asked them what a nun has to do to be a nun and they explained that you have to give up your live and serve God you will also never marry or have children. I was fascinated and by the time the bad weather passed I said I would like that, I would like to be a nun. The thought never left me completely. And I think it is partly because during this time I was being sexually abused -something I will talk about another time not today- and the thought of not having relationships that included physical intimacy was very appealing.

Why am I telling you this you wonder?

I said I do not need a partner -I see myself as the kind of person that does not say it has to be a man, I do see that woman can be attractive too and I always said I would fall in love one day with a person no matter if that is man or woman- to be complete, to be whole, to be happy. Sure I dream of a wedding but I never thought about my partners role in it. I thought what I want, what I do, what I say but never for a second did I include a partner. I want children but then there are so many ways of have children nowadays. I could adopt, co-parent or get sperm from a sperm donor. I did look into the latter one quite intensely. And lets face it my idea of aΒ bachelorette (hen) party but then when I think about it I can easily do that for my 35th birthday. My 40th can be the ideas I would have for a wedding.

I know that it sounds as if I am giving up but that is really not what I am doing. I am also not thinking I am too old to find anyone. I am just understanding who I am, finally. I don’t mind. Sure I would like a partner but that is just the thing, I feel as if God is telling me “You are trying to find what I am not jet giving you. You will find a partner in my time not when you think it is time.” Who am I to tell God He is wrong. He has someone to stand by my side and when He knows it is the right moment I will run into that person. And then I get my Prince Eric “Believe me, Grim, when I find the right person, I’ll know. Without a doubt, it’ll just bam hit me. Like lightning.” moment (skip to 02:30)

But for now, I will wait. I will wait for God telling me where to go and what to do and just keep walking one step at a time, without a partner. I have Yvaine, Dakota, hopefully a home, my work and friends that is all I need. I think it is like when you are desperately searching something in your house and you know it is there but for the life of it cannot find it until you stop looking and you search something else. Suddenly you find it in the place you check at least three times.


Please help me. I wish I could adopt more dogs and cats but realistically I can’t what I can do is throw myself into the mud for them to raise money for the Battersea Home for Dogs and Cats. I need your loose change!









Life journey

First Dates

It was the birthday of my Oma on Monday. We don’t talk often now, I am not sure when but somehow she and I drifted apart. Maybe it has to do with me actually moving away but that doesn’t matter right now. I called her to congratulate her and tell her that her present is a little bit delayed -modern technology doesn’t always make our lives easier- and I was surprised that for 11 minutes we had a good conversation. Of course did she ask if I move again (I moved a lot in the nearly 9 years that I am in the UK) and if I finally have a boyfriend. I wish I could have told her yes I am deeply in love and I found my Mr Right! I couldn’t, and then a part of me wished I could tell her “No Oma not a boyfriend I’ve got the most amazing girlfriend in the world and she means everything to me.” Despite me being able to appreciate the female beauty I have not met the one that turned my world upside down -just in case anyone knows Scarlett Johansson please point her my way πŸ˜‰ – She told me it is time to hurry and blahblahblahblah. I’m hearing this now since I am 19ish not saying she is not right but I think I am glad I did not find my Mr Right when I was 19. Gosh I was so weird when I was 19 and definitely not myself yet. Now that I am 31 I am truly myself. I know who I am and I am looking for someone who complements me not tries to turn into something I am not. I want to date and be swept off my feet but not for the price of losing myself.

So I’ve tried my fair share of online dating one big brand , one Christian website and now another big brand. The first big brand website I got at least 85% of request for a quick fuck (I do apologise for my word choice but those guys do not deserve any polite language), and then I had a few guys doing online dating because they started stuttering in the presence of a female, that included online. So have a written conversation with them was as hard as wringing the water out of a stone and then I did meet one nice guy. He had a kid -wish I didn’t mind- and the first few weeks were nice, until I looked deeper. I was doing all the planning while not having a real say it was such a weird dynamic. We talked about when would be the right time not to have a foot space between us any more so we planed a movie night… when I arrived he told me his son is there too. From the moment I met his son 9 out of 10 dates included him, don’t get me wrong I love kids but they don’t belong on a date when you try to get to know someone. Do I need to mention that I ended it?
On the Christian side… I am a Christian but I am not a one-sided coin as so many on that side were. I didn’t date anyone from there.
And now the last big brand side. Well lets start with less request for sexual favours before we exchanged names. I signed up just after Christmas… I did talk to a few guys some I thought were really nice, some told me I am too independent and should learn to shut my mouth and let the man talk -not sure how you do online dating as a woman who is not allowed to speak-, some were… more odd than me and I call myself odd and weird, oh I also had some that I thought were going really well. We talked really good in all ways of getting to know the other sex. You know, with a good amount of informational question and answers but also a good amount of banter and everyday stuff. But then, I dared to ask if we maybe should exchange phone numbers or (hold your horses and sit down!) if we should look at logistics of meeting. BANG! I am sure there was a bang somewhere. The day after accounts were deleted.

However I seemed to have found one (possibly even two I am still debating with myself) that is nice -okay maybe he doesn’t look like Chris Hemsworth but let’s be honest I don’t look like Jennifer Lawrence so we got to compromise- he likes the outdoors and doesn’t seem intimidated by me. He was the one suggesting to meet and after thinking about it I agreed, we had to change our plans due to the lovely weather in the UK but that is fine. No we not have everything in common and once a day I think “Let’s just agree to disagree.” but that is fine, I do not want to date myself. So here I am sitting al polished -not yet dressed though I don’t want Dakota to have a chance to rip my tights or get mud on my dress- but the rest is ready including a plan what to do. I get bored on just an eating date so we agreed on a museums and then maybe lunch date. The longest to decide what to wear was to check which pair of tights has no holes or if there are any weird thread hanging around. I just picked a dress I like to wear, shoes I have to think about but not because I want to impress him but we are going to be walking -so the most preferred shoes would be my hiking boots or my sneakers (oh sorry I got to practice to say trainer not sneakers my British readers get confused otherwise) but even I know I cannot pull that off with a dress on a date- I like my wedge heels but I cannot walk down the hill to the train station with those, so maybe a pair a ballerinas or I walk with them to the train station put them in my bag and wear the wedges then. At the moment that is my best option.

Lastly I do have to admit a part of me wants to cancel because that is just who I am, I got so good in being alone that letting someone in is not easy any more. That goes hand in with me thinking that when the date starts at 11AM it would be a good time to finish at 2PM I’ve been told if it is a good date it should be 4PM and my friend start to wonder at 5PM if I am okay, the way they talk I wonder if they actually worry if they don’t hear anything from me maybe when I am not home and heard of around Dakota’s dinner time. But who knows.

I am going on a first date and I know I should be nervous but I got so comfortable with myself that either he likes me and I like him too or not and then we might as well rip off the band-aid (plaster for my British readers) and go separate ways.

One last thing he is 5 years younger than me πŸ˜›

I will let you know how it went, now I do have to get dressed I cannot go in my PJs.

What be your perfect date?



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